Marky Mark And His Funky Bunch

Wow! Apparently Latham's testicular cancer has re-emerged, because it seems like he's lost his fucking balls. Here's his statement:

A number of colleagues have asked me to address the uncertainty concerning the Labor leadership. While I had planned to reassess things at the end of my leave period on 26 January, the ongoing speculation is damaging the Party and needs to be dealt with now.

Obviously I am disappointed with the press coverage over the last fortnight. Despite being on annual leave and recovering from illness, the media have been constantly camped outside our home.

In recent days, I have been able to get away to rest and recover and talk to my family about our priorities for the future. Our conclusion is that I should look after my health and pursue a normal life outside of politics. Therefore I have decided to resign both as Labor Leader and Member for Werriwa.

I have had a well-publicised problem with pancreatitis that has been hard to overcome. This condition and the uncertain timing of the attacks are incompatible with the demands and stresses of a parliamentary life.

When I was hospitalised in August, for instance, the media frenzy was over the top, with photographers shooting through my hospital window. Accordingly, I have done everything I could to keep subsequent episodes as private as possible.

Unfortunately ever since the recent bout became known, and even though I was on annual leave, the media has been harassing people in our street, forcing our neighbours to call the police on several occasions.

Obviously this situation cannot continue. Public office can take it out of people and, after 17 years and two serious life-threatening illnesses, the time has come to put my family and my health first. While it is important to try to help people through community involvement, this should not be at the expense of loved ones.

I am exceptionally fortunate to have a fantastic family, especially my beautiful wife and two little boys. I would be crazy to put this at risk. In politics everyone talks about family values. I would like to practice them in a normal way.

I want to thank the Labor party for the opportunity of leading it to the last election and trying to form a Labor Government. I hope that my colleagues can achieve this vital goal in the future and I wish them well.

I am proud that, even from opposition, we achieved some important reforms in 2004, such as the reform of parliamentary superannuation, changes to the US trade agreement, improved childhood immunisation, a baby care payment and placing the importance of early childhood development on the national agenda. I did my best to lead a genuinely progressive Australian Labor Party.

I wish to thank the people of Werriwa for the opportunity of representing them since 1994 and putting something back into our local community.

I also thank the local Labor party members and particularly my staff, who have worked so hard both in the electorate and in Parliament House.

I again thank the Labor supporters and members who backed our cause in the last campaign and gave me encouragement as Labor Leader.

Thank you all very much.

What he meant to say was:

Dear everybody,

You can all suck my arse. Quit your whining and bickering for a change, and realise that you're all as much to blame as I am for what is going on with the ALP. Now shut the fuck up, get behind me for a change, and let's do our fucking jobs for a change. Yes Carr, I'm looking at you, cockhead.

Now piss off. I'm sick and off work till Australia Day. I will return with some steel-capped boots, and will be kicking numerous people up the date then.

Have a nice day,
Latho.

Much more inspiring, wasn't it? I can't believe odds are we're looking at Beazley again. AGAIN. I look at my misspelt ALP membership card and sigh. Replacing a leader that's lost his balls with another that had none to begin with. On the upside, I'm betting this merry-go-round will continue and come January the 18th, 2006, we'll be looking at another new leader. Hooray.

Maybe the ALP needs to just collapse on itself. Maybe everyone currently holding a senior position should be fired and not allowed to return. Because the party has massive problems, and they've got fuck all to do with the leader.

Latham is going to be replaying this in his head for the rest of his life. And regretting it (especially in 2007 when we get to see Beazley (if he's still even leader) going "uhh... me too" during the election campaign). Obviously I don't believe his ailments are the primary reason for quitting.

I mean yes, someone else might get leadership other than Beazley, but seriously, like that'll happen. Jules would be awesome though.

So this is me, disappointed and pissed off. It'd be nice to write something positive in here for a change.