Moved!

Completely Biased has moved far, far away from the timeouts, broken pipe errors, and crappy photo hosting of BlogSpot over to its own domain, where sunshine and lollipops roam free in fields of jellybeans! I've moved over to completelybiased.com, and may or may not bitch about politics, depending on my mood. Please update your bookmarks and links!

More Blogging From The Future

Are you in Asia Dave? Are we married in the future?

Yes to both, Lee Lee. We got married a while back, have a mind-blowing sex life, and are still as totally hawt as the day we met. We have a nice partnership going - I write the movies and you make them (and yes, the highlight of your life so far (beating our wedding day) was directing Steve Martin's last film before he died). Go us. We're currently in Asia (main reason we're overseas is for you - the entire collapse of the Australian film industry means you have to travel abroad to get work), but I'm a bit worried about the situation here. It looks like there's a war of the nuclear variety brewing between China and the US - America wants to "democracise them back into the stone age," and China is just telling them to get fucked.

It's mainly due to America's dominance as a superpower starting to crumble, and that China's economy has gone from strength to strength (mainly at the expense of the US). There's still some anger over President Schwarzenegger's assasination a few years ago, which some Chinese officials were allegedly involved in, and the media has constantly been stirring that pot since then, trying to get a real anti-Asian sentiment going. I'll give it a few more months until something happens.

So yeah, it's a bit iffy. We're not in China, but there's a chance it could spill over the borders. In any case though, this has been one hell of a trip!

Blogging From The Future

Wow! I haven't updated this shit since Family First's laws were passed! Weird to see that my password still works. I wonder if people still read this. Well, outside of Australia anyway, seeing as though the Internet is censored from there anyway. Yes, thankyou very fucking much Family First. Worst coalition ever. Even worse than when the ALP split and ALP Right sided with the Libs. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Yes, look where that got you, geniuses.

I'm overseas at the moment (hence the uncensored Internet). It's nice to be in a slightly less right-wing country, although I suspect I'll have a bitch of a time getting back to Australia thanks to Immigration. My RFID tag got infected so I had to get it removed while I was over here, which'll probably lead to me being stuck in detention as an asylum seeker, and if I cop some bad luck, ASIO will be buttfucking me when I get back at the airport. "How come your tag isn't appearing in our monitoring system?" "Coz I took it out." "What?! Planning a terrorist attack were you?! You know the law, all Australians must keep their RFID tags at all times! Assume the position!" THANKS A LOT COCKHEADS, I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THAT IN 2015.

Yes, fuck those freedom-hating terrorists. Good to see we got them beat, with our tracking systems for all citizens and removal of privacy laws. Freedom 1, terrorists 0. To think that all we had to do to remain a free country was to revoke most of our freedom.

Fuck Tony Abbott in the ear. Worst PM ever. And that's saying something, considering I lived through 7 years of Ruddock.

So yes, I'm over here looking for a job. The new revisions in the FTA screwed me over last year (the part where any Australian business has to vacate a field an American company wishes to enter in), so I'm gonna try and get employment out here, seeing as though the highest you can pretty much get (without having parents with connections) is manager of the local Maccas.

TV over here is much more varied. Weird to see a commercial-free station out here, after finally getting used to the government privatising the ABC and Lachlan Murdoch buying it out (not to mention the weirdness of Fox News doing the 7 o'clock slot - I mean you could at least use Australian presenters instead of just taking a feed from the satellite). Speaking of Murdoch, there is an insane amount of stuff happening in the world that I just never knew what was happening. Hurrah for media diversity.

I'm on antibiotics to kill this infection from the RFID tag (clearly they should've researched more before implementing this, I wonder if anyone else is having similar problems?), but they're only $15 a pack compared to the $200 they are back home. Cheap!

It's just so much nicer here. Considering never going back. Public schools still exist here (the real kind (remember them?), not the corporate-funded ones), non-Hillsong people aren't discriminated against, women are allowed to work, homosexuals aren't taxed twice as much as heterosexuals ("morals tax," another brilliant Lib/FF initiative), dissent is allowed, the phone lines actually work, premarital sex isn't a criminal offence (same for abortion), and there's no bullshit talk of a referendum to get rid of elections. To think that we assisted in destroying entire countries over democracy (remember Iraq? And how it turned out to be such a failed experiment that they just gave up and nuked the place because it was costing too much?) 20 years ago, and now we're seriously considering getting rid of it here. And I thought extending government terms to 7 years at a time was bad enough. WHY DO YOU MORONS KEEP VOTING FOR THIS SHIT?!

"Let us do the voting for you."

WHY DOES NOBODY ELSE FIND THIS SLOGAN CREEPY/MOCKING?!

Ugh. I don't know how many of you will ever be able to read this back home, but good luck. I've finally given up on Australia.

But hey, interest rates are still low, and that's what counts, right?

The Ando Zone: Episode 11

Alright, I seem to keep coming back to this blog after bailing on it, so from now on I'll not give it up, but just not make any promises on when I'll next update. I have no net access while I'm typing this, as I'm out in woop woop, but I saved a bunch of bits of news to work from.

You'll remember that around November 22nd of last year, the federal police decided not to go ahead with a case against Ando and friends, as there was a lack of evidence. Whether or not this was the case, we'll never know, but Ando has gotten away with it in any case.

However, the Senate has gotten an inquiry underway (while they still can) into electoral rorts (ie. pork barreling), featuring the Ando scandal as the centrepiece.

Tony Windsor has stood by his allegations made against Ando still, and this time two of his staffers (Helen Tickle, campaign secretary, and Stephen Hall, campaign manager) have backed him up on his claims. Hall and Windsor have also stated that Greg McGuire (the guy that made the offer of a diplomatic posting to Windsor) said on three separate occasions that he'd lie to police to protect Ando, because he didn't want to be the person who "brings down the Deputy PM."

"I recall him saying, 'Look, they're so desperate they'd offer you anything, a diplomatic posting,' and he said, Senator Macdonald was on the sideline, "Yes we can arrange anything." So, yeah, and I recall him saying that I know that Tony was upset by that comment, and that I have said in my police statement as well, I recall he was offended by this. He actually swore. I didn't catch what he said cause he didn't say it very loudly, but he's not a person who swears in front of women, in fact it's the first time he ever has in front of me and he turned and apologised."

- Helen Tickle

Hall also said that McGuire threatened him, in that if he didn't go along with McGuire's version of events, he would "finish him."

Ando still says the claims are untrue, and that he lies awake crying at night over them. Well, not that extreme, but something to that effect.

Fat Kim has challenged Ando to face the Senate inquiry.

"I think what the deputy prime minister ought to do, if he believes that his reputation is being impugned, he should appear before the inquiry."

- The Spineless One

In fact, Ando, McGuire, Senator Macdonald and De-Anne Kelly (former regional affairs secretary) have all dodged appearing before the inquiry.

(yes, that sucked, but I'm still getting back in the swing of things)

(okay, running late on the Ando Zone)

"I can't believe that women in this day and age are so dumb to get pregnant willy-nilly."

- Alan Cadman, Liberal Party genius extraordinaire

How many steps backward must we take, before we start going forward again?

Oh God, I just can't stay away.

I think I've figured out how Kim Beazley and his staffers develop policies and whatnot.

"Y'know, John Howard seemed to be really successful last election. Here's his policies here. He used them and won, so I don't see why we can't. They go on about being the party all about choice, well, now we can be too! And what a choice we'll be! This strategy almost won it for me in 2001, so I think if we try it again, but try it harder, we might just get over the line this time. 2007, here we come! Provided I don't get undermined by then, anyway."

(episode 11 of The Ando Zone coming Sunday night)

Waiting For A Day That Will Never Come

I can't get motivated to do this anymore. Every time I read the paper it is always about the party I hoped would represent me in parliament bickering among themselves and being general fuckwits. How can anything change with an opposition being so pathetic? Hooray. Kim Beazley again. Hooray. Now all we need is a spine.

If they ever get their shit together, then maybe I could start ranting again, but at this point it's just like watching a bunch of fucking lemmings walk around in circles.

So this is me more or less giving up. Maybe when Gillard's time comes we can get excited again. But for now, I'm content to just read page after page of bad news every single fucking day. I'll still stalk you all on your blogs and have an argument with anyone who starts one, but for now, I'm done posting.

It's been a fun/depressing couple of months. Best wishes to all of my filthy communist hippie friends, and I'll be back when I no longer feel like I'm just constantly bashing my head against a wall.

A spineless teddy bear, the Invisible Woman, and a bunch of termites...

LABOR: GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

Don't put a revolving door on the entrance of the Opposition Leader's office. That door only leads to permanent opposition.

- Simon Crean, November 29, 2003

Marky Mark And His Funky Bunch

Wow! Apparently Latham's testicular cancer has re-emerged, because it seems like he's lost his fucking balls. Here's his statement:

A number of colleagues have asked me to address the uncertainty concerning the Labor leadership. While I had planned to reassess things at the end of my leave period on 26 January, the ongoing speculation is damaging the Party and needs to be dealt with now.

Obviously I am disappointed with the press coverage over the last fortnight. Despite being on annual leave and recovering from illness, the media have been constantly camped outside our home.

In recent days, I have been able to get away to rest and recover and talk to my family about our priorities for the future. Our conclusion is that I should look after my health and pursue a normal life outside of politics. Therefore I have decided to resign both as Labor Leader and Member for Werriwa.

I have had a well-publicised problem with pancreatitis that has been hard to overcome. This condition and the uncertain timing of the attacks are incompatible with the demands and stresses of a parliamentary life.

When I was hospitalised in August, for instance, the media frenzy was over the top, with photographers shooting through my hospital window. Accordingly, I have done everything I could to keep subsequent episodes as private as possible.

Unfortunately ever since the recent bout became known, and even though I was on annual leave, the media has been harassing people in our street, forcing our neighbours to call the police on several occasions.

Obviously this situation cannot continue. Public office can take it out of people and, after 17 years and two serious life-threatening illnesses, the time has come to put my family and my health first. While it is important to try to help people through community involvement, this should not be at the expense of loved ones.

I am exceptionally fortunate to have a fantastic family, especially my beautiful wife and two little boys. I would be crazy to put this at risk. In politics everyone talks about family values. I would like to practice them in a normal way.

I want to thank the Labor party for the opportunity of leading it to the last election and trying to form a Labor Government. I hope that my colleagues can achieve this vital goal in the future and I wish them well.

I am proud that, even from opposition, we achieved some important reforms in 2004, such as the reform of parliamentary superannuation, changes to the US trade agreement, improved childhood immunisation, a baby care payment and placing the importance of early childhood development on the national agenda. I did my best to lead a genuinely progressive Australian Labor Party.

I wish to thank the people of Werriwa for the opportunity of representing them since 1994 and putting something back into our local community.

I also thank the local Labor party members and particularly my staff, who have worked so hard both in the electorate and in Parliament House.

I again thank the Labor supporters and members who backed our cause in the last campaign and gave me encouragement as Labor Leader.

Thank you all very much.

What he meant to say was:

Dear everybody,

You can all suck my arse. Quit your whining and bickering for a change, and realise that you're all as much to blame as I am for what is going on with the ALP. Now shut the fuck up, get behind me for a change, and let's do our fucking jobs for a change. Yes Carr, I'm looking at you, cockhead.

Now piss off. I'm sick and off work till Australia Day. I will return with some steel-capped boots, and will be kicking numerous people up the date then.

Have a nice day,
Latho.

Much more inspiring, wasn't it? I can't believe odds are we're looking at Beazley again. AGAIN. I look at my misspelt ALP membership card and sigh. Replacing a leader that's lost his balls with another that had none to begin with. On the upside, I'm betting this merry-go-round will continue and come January the 18th, 2006, we'll be looking at another new leader. Hooray.

Maybe the ALP needs to just collapse on itself. Maybe everyone currently holding a senior position should be fired and not allowed to return. Because the party has massive problems, and they've got fuck all to do with the leader.

Latham is going to be replaying this in his head for the rest of his life. And regretting it (especially in 2007 when we get to see Beazley (if he's still even leader) going "uhh... me too" during the election campaign). Obviously I don't believe his ailments are the primary reason for quitting.

I mean yes, someone else might get leadership other than Beazley, but seriously, like that'll happen. Jules would be awesome though.

So this is me, disappointed and pissed off. It'd be nice to write something positive in here for a change.